


help me feel something

by catsarelife24



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Swearing, i'm sorry donghyuck, just plain sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 21:31:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14553954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsarelife24/pseuds/catsarelife24
Summary: donghyuck feels the pressures of being an idol. will he be saved before it's too late?





	help me feel something

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, i'm just feeling sad so I wrote this. once again unedited. also, i'm sorry donghyuck ;;

It started out innocent enough. Donghyuck just wanted to lose a few pounds for the comeback. It was no big deal, really. They did stuff like that all the time. He tried so hard. He practiced the longest and the hardest and while everyone else splurged on samgyeopsal, he politely declined. As far as he and the rest of them knew, his dieting was normal and healthy. What annoyed Donghyuck the most was while everyone lavished him with compliments on his thick thighs and his cute, round face, Donghyuck was trying his hardest to change those things about himself. This made him want to try even harder. Soon they had their comeback and Donghyuck was at his skinniest. The other members and the fans complimented him on his determination, giving him the compliments he yearned for. “ _ Oh, “Donghyuckie, your jawline is so sharp.”  _ and  _ “You look so toned and handsome.”  _ Donghyuck was desperate to lose the baby fat that was ever so stubborn, but it soon wasn’t enough. Their promotions eventually came to and end, and the members slowly got more and more downtime, able to finally be at the dorm and relax. Promotions were done but Donghyuck wasn’t. His many off days were still spent going to the gym for several hours and then pretending to eat. He didn’t want to admit it, but he had eventually become afraid of food. Just seeing it or smelling it made him feel uncomfortable. The constant fear that he would start eating and just never stop terrified him, so he avoided it as much as possible. He became an avid eater of salads, and to the surprise of the other members, suddenly absolutely loved fruits and vegetables. He limited himself to water and diet soda. He knew that the others started to notice when they began slowly coaxing him to eat during dinner time, hinting that maybe they knew about his secret. When he actually beginning eating more during dinner, they backed off, obviously satisfied and convinced that whatever phase Donghyuk was going through, he was growing out of it. Since he was still a teenager, everything was always blame on some sort of phase. But Donghyuck didn’t want it to be just a phase. He didn’t want to gain the weight back. He  _ couldn’t.  _ He couldn’t live with himself if he gained weight. So while everyone slowly stopped worrying about since he was eating enough during dinner, Donghyuck strategically took a shower after dinner almost every time, using the sound of the water to mask the sound of him throwing up as much food as he could, which usually left him dry heaving, crying, and completely weak. 

Honestly, he was disgusting. He knew it. Only fucked up people threw up after they ate. It really was gross. His throat was sore and raw so he had to drink tea every night before bed in order to not sound raspy in the morning. It was tiring, but he kept at it. Maybe one day he would reach his goal of perfection. But he still had a long way to go and at least twenty pounds to lose.

It had been an especially rough day, they began training again for their next comeback that was in a few months. Donghyuck was used to working out a lot, since even during their off time he made sure to take the time every day to work out. But dance practice was something else. It was grueling not eating and going straight into a six hour practice. He was once one of the best dancers, always being complimented on how powerful his dancing was. But this time he couldn’t be powerful; he just felt weak. After dance practice, he couldn’t even think straight. He flopped onto his bed with a thud, not even bothering to do his skincare routine or even change out of his clothes.

“You okay?” Jaehyun asked, entering the room. He was Donghyuck’s new roommate, and honestly it was like rooming with a parent and brother at the same time. He could pester him one moment and the next he was scolding him.

Donghyuck groaned, stretching out his legs, hearing the cracks and pops of his ankles. “Yeah, I’m just really tired.” He answered. 

“Have you eaten?” Jaehyun asked. He awkwardly fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “It’s late, but Johnny and I were going to order takeout.”

“I ate before practice so I think I’m just gonna go to bed.” Honestly, it wasn't a lie. Donghyuck had eaten before practice. It was just an apple, but still.

“Okay..” Jaehyun eyed him before continuing, “There will probably be leftover rice, so you can have it in the morning if you want.”

“Sounds good.” Donghyuck said before giving him a thumbs up and rolling to his side. He could hear the awkward silence of Jaehyun standing there a few seconds, and then the door closing as he left. He really just wanted to sleep, and it came easily, despite the gnawing hunger he felt.

When he woke up he immediately realized he must have taken off his sweatpants sometime during the night. When he looked down he could see his legs, thinner than they were a few months ago, but still fat. He felt fat, flabby,  _ ugly.  _ He pressed down on his stomach with his palms and then on his hip bones. Tears silently fell down his face. He wished that he could just cut it off, that he could just get rid of it. Just get rid of it all. Maybe even get rid of himself while he was at it.

It was still early, 6:30, the sun just rising. He looked across the room, watching Jaehyun who was still fast asleep. He wondered if he looked that peaceful when he was sleeping. He wiped his tears and stopped pressing into his hip bones. At that point he knew he left bruises on accident. He put on a pair of shorts and a hoodie and shuffled into the kitchen. Luckily no one was up yet. He took a breath before opening up the refrigerator, something he hadn’t really done for the past few months or so. Then he saw it, the leftover rice Jaehyun had promised last night. His mind screamed at him.  _ You’ll get even fatter. You’re disgusting. You’re really going to eat? You have no self control.  _ Meanwhile, his stomach and the rest of his body was begging for food. He hadn’t eaten a proper meal in a while. He began to reason with himself. Maybe he could eat today to get enough strength for dance practice and then fast the next few days.

He found himself holding the container of rice and digging his spoon in, taking a bite. Five minutes later and he had finished the entire thing, a normal portion for a normal person, but this felt like an entire feast. It was too much, far too much. He went too far. He didn’t mean to eat the entire thing. He tried to count up the calories that he just consumed, but his mind was foggy and his eyes were filled with tears. He stumbled to the bathroom, feeling the bile rise in his throat. He lifted the toilet lid and expelled all of the rice that he had just eaten. He didn’t even have to stick his fingers down his throat this time. But for the first time, this wasn’t enough. He sat on the cold linoleum, panting and wondering what else he could possibly do. The idea crept into his mind far too fast. He silently tip-toed back into the kitchen, thankful that still no one was awake yet. He dug in one of the drawers, passing by scissors, tape, and other various items, until he found what he was looking for. A box cutter. The only reason that he knew they had it was because he was the one who got it. He got tired of trying to tear the tape off of packages they got. And here he was, holding the box cutter for a completely different reason. 

Donghyuck went back into the bathroom, taking off his shorts and sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He didn’t think he had this in him. He really didn’t think it would come to this. But, this was the only other thing he felt would perhaps make him feel better while simultaneously punishing him for being such a pig. He pressed the blade against the skin of his upper thigh, a place he thought he could hide fairly easily. He was amazed at how much it hurt and how fast the blood bubbled up. He immediately decided he needed more. He glided the blade against his skin again, a little deeper this time. Somehow he felt better and worse at the same time. Even with his confused feelings, he continued. He spent ten minutes making six cuts into his leg. It wasn’t a lot, but he relished in the feeling, the pain. He watched the blood run halfway down his thigh before wiping it with a tissue. He knew it was completely fucked up and he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. But honestly, he didn’t regret it. He took a shower afterwards, turning the water as hot as it would go and letting it run down his body and his wounded thigh. He hissed in pain, but let the water continue hitting the cuts. Maybe he liked the pain. Maybe he deserved it. But now he knew he was in way too deep and there was no way to reach the surface again.

  
  


 


End file.
